Saturday, March 11, 2006

On picky dating

Maggie says:
M-pyre's been laughing all week about an article first discovered by my old friend Saleem:

Picky, Picky: In the Outlet Mall of Love, Finding a Good Fit can Mean a Lot of Returns


The article brilliantly describes, among other so-true-they-hurt hilarities, one man's "taquito moment," when he realized he simply could not keep seeing a woman due to her love for 7-11 taquitos and other terrible food choices.

Isn't that the truth? It's not being picky, really, it's just knowing what we like and what we can't stand. The smallest act can make the largest, most sweeping statement.

I told M and M that we should post our own "taquito moments," until Marjorie reminded us that, "Didn't we already do that on m-pyrical?" Oops. So here's the original post, but I'm thinking it needs some almost-a-year-later updates to it in comments.

Let's get those personal taquito moments rolling!

--------------------------------------

friday, june 10, 2005

C'mon guys, you can do better than this

From Flying Star downtown, Mikaela and I just realized that our conversation about recent events was turning into a list of all the ways men can kill their chances. We decided it was too good not to document. We sought out Marjorie for this one, too - she had some gems to add:
  • Bad grammar in the first e-mail
  • You "happen" to see his car drive by when you're hanging out with friends... on multiple occasions
  • He calls your roommate Pol Pot to make a point about planning (Trust us, it happened and it wasn't pretty)
  • Falsely and arrogantly assuming that the poem you just shared is about him
  • Grammatical errors in poems he writes for you (noticing a grammar pattern here?)
  • Breaking things in your apartment
  • Confessing love too early
  • No sympathy for food poisoning... that he caused
  • Being overly competitive at games you don't give a shit about - and then being overly exuberant at beating you in said games (think foosball)
  • On the first date suggesting that you pick up this bill and he'll get it next time, hoping that'll entice you for a second date just to recoup your costs
  • Wearing a tee shirt to Flying Star that says "Fuck Artists" and then casually thumbing through magazines as if the good reading is what brings him here and not the single ladies (this guy is sitting across from us right now!)
  • Responding to every comment of yours with "But that's not what my mom says"
  • He takes you to dinner at his parents' house and upon finishing his meal promptly leaves the table with his plate on it to go watch television (ladies - the way a man treats his mother is exactly how he’ll treat you)
  • His otherwise calm and pleasant manner flies out the window as soon as he gets behind the steering wheel -- every journey is a screaming, swearing onslaught against other drivers
  • You realize the book he’s carrying around in his back pocket is a bible
We have more, but let's leave it at that before we have to hit up the dessert selection downstairs in desperation. (And we don't mean the guy in the tee shirt.)

13 Comments:

Blogger Maggie said...

my own taquitos:
- artfully messed hair that takes an hour and a vat of styling gel to accomplish
- littering
- not liking dogs
- if the last movie he saw was something horribly action-filled and most likely a sequel
- flirting with me at a dinner party while his girlfriend is at the next table
- shopping at Wal-Mart
- uninformed and ambivalent about current events
- fast-food addict

12:05 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

can't believe i forgot:
- passive-agressive messages to you via blog posts
- "innocently" stalking you

12:09 PM  
Blogger mjae said...

One of the fascinating aspects of the "Taquito Moment" is that it reveals as much about you as it does about the other person. It's a clear moment of mismatch. Not just why this person is a loser, but why you can't be two losers in love.

In this spirit, I'll have to think about what to add to this fully-illustrative list!

12:26 PM  
Anonymous Jessie said...

This cracked me up, but also struck me as fairly right-on: "Love, like mayonnaise, is a texture thing." So true! Our taquito moments may be seemingly inconsequential things, but they're a window into a larger and more profound incompatibility--and as obvious as they may be to you, they can be devilishly tricky to explain to anyone else (especially the taquit-er him/herself).

They're dealbreakers. Maybe not the BIG dealbreakers (like that one guy who failed to mention he was living with his pregnant (by him) ex-girlfriend), but just as effective.

One from recent memory is a simple semantics issue (kind like the grammar ones ya'll cited)--one particularly hot makeout session ground to a screeching halt when the fella in question (an otherwise very skilled dirty talker) referred to my "titties".
So.
Not.
Sexy.
I'm sure he didn't think it was reason enough to call it a night, but for me it most definitely was.

10:31 PM  
Blogger marjorie said...

jessie, i'm very curious: would "tits" have been ok?

1:00 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Wait a minute, what are you doing online, Marjorie? Shouldn't you be in full ski-bunny apparel right now?

Wait, are you really in Utah or are you just hiding out in Hotel Blue for a week to get away from us?

Hmmmmm.....

1:05 PM  
Anonymous Jessie said...

Absolutely. No problem whatsoever with "tits". It may seem to be splitting hairs to some, but there's a big difference for me--one is a word a three-year-old would use; the other not so much.

Now, please step away from the computer. Get back to those slopes!

10:51 PM  
Anonymous adam said...

come get your taquito on...

i tend to forget these, mostly because i'm a hack story-teller, but let's see if'n i can't dig a couple out of the vault:

- not acknowledging key comments like, "I'm sick tonight," and insisting on going out anyway.
- a clear unwillingness to argue.
- an overbearing insistence on hygiene. i'm not suggesting that you take the week off from showering, but 2 daily is a bit much for this hippie.
- likewise, being grossed-out by the smell of her own body.
- constant, sometimes vicious, teasing.
- the Terrible Massage, delivered with a confidence and gusto generally reserved for b-movie actors.
- disinterest in politics.
- disinterest in art.
- "I don't really listen to music."
- treasuring cheap beers, unwilling to try new ones. this can be said for a lot of things.

i'll rack my brain for more.

11:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The comment that ended what I thought could have been a beautiful love affair,
"I'm all for women getting an education, after all, they have to be able to talk to their husbands about something besides babies."
???
By the way, when I first tried to access this page today, I got a message saying I wasn't authorized to view it. Then it mysteriously went away when I refreshed the page.

12:06 PM  
Anonymous adam said...

"I'm all for women getting an education, after all, they have to be able to talk to their husbands about something besides babies."

and dude was serious?! goddamn, son. get that guy out of here. he's out of the man club. license clearly expired.

12:26 PM  
Anonymous Jessie said...

*smack* Ohhhhhh.... so THAT'S why I went to college!

10:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about:

Saying, "The Distillery is always sort of a disappointment to me." Oh really, why? "I'm always hoping that I meet some hot blonde here, but I never see any when I come by."

Suffice to say, I am a brunette.

5:35 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Ouch!

12:51 PM  

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